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Friday, December 4, 2009

I Had A TaPiphany Part TWO



e·piph·a·ny (ĭ-pĭf'ə-nē)
n. pl. e·piph·a·nies
1.a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience.

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My Second Epiphany Happened In Almost The Same Manner As The First...

I was driving in the car, deep in conversation with BFF. 

We were in the throws of ranting, asking rhetorical questions, traipsing along the lines of pondering life's mysteries, when it happened.

BFF was trying to take my mind into a place I didn't want to awaken. 
No one ever wants to acknowledge just how much their enviroment effects every aspect of your being. 

So often we make daily decisions based on the subconcious part of our brain we loathe the most. 

We are (once again) on the interstate, in the dark, and uninterrupted.

Although BFF is a different person than Girlfriend #1, our conversation involves mostly the same line of confusion and disdain with the exception of different characters.

As she once again so diligently earns her title of BFF by taking me to those places locked in my mind, I start to think outloud, not really expecting an answer.

The question/statement is (in a very Dr. Phil sort of tone) somewhere along the lines of:
"What part of this chaos is working enough for us to acknowledge the need or want for change,
but not hurting us enough to actually take action?"

BFF replied, "That's the million dollar question. Answer that and you've answered the meaning of life."

At that exact moment I GOT IT. 

Oh yeah and by the way...
**Forgive me Oh-Clever One, if you read what I'm about to write and chuckle to yourself because you automatically kick yourself for not trademarking what you already know and I'm so far behind in understanding**

 I immediately had this vision of Adam and Eve.

Without thinking, I blurted out:

Maybe we've interpreted the Bible all these years.

Maybe God didn't really intend for us to keep our main focus on seeing sin, living sin or running away from sin because they disobeyed and ate the apple.

Maybe that's why most every person I've ever known, met, or heard of,
struggle with their internal dialogue so much of their life. 

Some people struggle with it so much that it consumes them and they succumb to the despair that plagues their mind which leads to the decision that they simply can't live with it anymore. Thus choosing to take their own life.  I really believe all people struggle with this. Some people just learn to mask it better by learning how to give the perception of contentment and enlightenment. (Okay so I just added that whole last part because I didn't think of it when we were talking earlier, but who cares?)

In a nutshell, here's the Second Tangled Epiphany I've Ever Had In My Life: (Which are different and ten times stronger than any A-HA Moment could ever be...)

God is a much deeper God than we an EVER understand. 
He's not so simple minded as to just have us struggle with sin.

He "downloaded" the ultimate test of faith into humans by completely scrambling our internal dialogue.

Ofcourse my immediate question to this epiphany was "how do you fix that?"

And for the 3rd time, my BFF amazes me and reiterates why we are BFF's in the first place by saying:

You learn contentment. You accept it.

That's the only way you can relax your mind enough to truly understand what the word faith means.

Faith is the only way you truly pass God's test which then allows Him to start erasing so many of those bad memories, ideas, and untruths you've talked yourself into believing for so many years.

Sometimes your memory is correct and sometimes your fear of failure has a way of twisting those thoughts and memories into unrealistic perceptions of reality.

Sometimes your internal dialogue tucks those memories so far in the back of your subconscious that you get to a point where your whole life, your whole decision making process relies on pulling straight from the place you most despise. The place that hurts you the most.

This is why we marry people who we think are filling a void only to find out they are exactly what we are trying to run away from.

This is the place that tells us we are not worth anything more that that third piece of chocolate cake because weighing ourselves down keeps us from shooting for the stars. 

Insignificance and fear feels much more comfortable and familiar than success.

Which brings my internal dialogue full circle in my understanding of exactly:

Why chaos is working enough for me to acknowledge the need or want for change,
but not hurting enough to make me actually take action.
 (Sure doesn't feel that way because some of this chaos seems to consume me more than it should ever consume anyone.)

I don't guess God meant for me to learn FULL FAITH in order to change my internal dialogue into believing I'm worthy enough to deserve that little blue box, but what a nice place to start...



Freddae' said...

When God created the world, he kept saying that what he created was good. When he created humans, he didn't say, "that'll do", he say we were "very good". You have value and worth in the intrinsic nature of whose you are.

You had a great message today.

adrienzgirl said...

You were definitely deep today girlfriend! Totally love that you tied the whole thing back to that little blue box. *sigh*