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Friday, December 4, 2009

I Had A Ta-Piphany Part ONE


e·piph·a·ny (ĭ-pĭf'ə-nē)
n. pl. e·piph·a·nies
1.a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience.

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I've only had 2 of these in my life and oddly enough, both times I was driving in the car with a girlfriend.

I don't know if you've ever experienced this life altering transition or not, but any word I try to attach to such a phenominal time in my life, would never do it justice and probably won't trigger you to have your own.

This type of event cannot be scheduled or even coaxed by the persuasion of a menial blogger such as myself.

The first happened a week before Christmas 2002.  Miss Talks-A-Lot was still an oblivious wide-eyed 5 year old, and Runs With Scissors was a tiny sweet 16 month old bundle of smooches.  I was a 26 year old sad, angry, confused shell of a much to early made woman, who was slowly dying on the inside because I had a broken marriage with little hope and no idea how to fix it.  I felt like a failure as a wife and an even bigger failure as a mother.

The same thoughts constantly went through my head day after day.

~How could I have been so stupid to think I knew what I was doing by getting married so young?~ 

~Why was I so selfish by bringing these beautiful innocent children into the world, who did not deserve to grow up in a broken home because the two most important people in their life didn't know how to communicate?~

I was so extremely sad inside. I had been married to their dad for 6 years, but had spent the previous 7 months being the Star Quarter Back on the losing team.  My immaturity and lack of experience in the Language of Men had begun to morph itself into verbs such as reproach, disparage, and impugn.

All I wanted were change and release from being ignored.  All I wanted were compromise and the butterflies that once resided in my (his) stomach to return. 

I would soon find those days were over. 

One December day, in a moment of clarity, I decided to do something very out of the ordinary and agreed to ride along with girlfriend #1 who was driving to pick up girlfriend #2, who had moved to Destin, and bring her home for the holidays. She had just had a baby and didn't feel comfortable driving the 8 hours back to Memphis alone with a toddler and newborn.  Her husband had moved them to the popular beach city to open a sister site of a popular restaurant he was in partnership with here in town, and simply could not leave work until Christmas Eve.

This was a very fast down and back trip, but for some reason, something magical happens when two friends are given the opportunity to sit and chat uninterrupted by children tugging at every part of your body.

As girlfriend drove and listened to my gush of exhausting babble, in the blink of an eye her wisdom changed my life.  Without taking her eyes off the road and with no understanding how profoundly her next words would change my life forever, she matter-of-factly said:

"You are not praying for the right thing. You have to pray not for what you want God to do, you have to pray for God to do His Will and then you have to trust that He Will."

I immediately felt as if a huge tractor trailer had hit us head-on and every hair on my body stood on end.
I have no other explanation for why that simple phrase, spoken unknowingly in the middle of the night on a dark and silent interstate, impacted the course of my life other than God knew my head and heart would be clear enough to hear it at that moment.

As I settled into secluded meditation and internally spoke those words to the Being Who Had Given Them, little did I know 5 days later, God would feel I was finally ready to accept what He wanted for my life.

And 5 days later on Christmas Day, 2002, while our children enjoyed an engrossed day of presents and kisses at grandma's, my husband and the father of my children, packed his belongings and walked out the door of our family home forever.

Little did I know at the time, but as God fully knew, the closing of that door was the only way to allow a new door to open and a new relationship to cultivate the communication we had lost so long before that.

Don't get me wrong. For a long time after, I questioned the turn of events. I threw myself into depressive feelings of guilt and uncertainty, quandary and pain. 

By trudging through those emotions, was I able to grow into a place of open maturity. 

And only then, were we able to start over and build the kind of relationship our children need and deserve from parents who didn't give them a voice before.

I'm not sure that Girlfriend #1 ever knew how she impacted my life that night. 
If you are reading this, you know who you are. 

So let me take this time to say Thank You for causing my divorce. 
Thank You for showing me HOW to listen and trust that God ALWAYS knows what is best for us.  

Although God doesn't always answer prayers in the manner we request,
He always answers in the way we need. 

 I am thankful everyday for that life-changing epiphany that enabled me to get out of the drivers' seat. 

That epiphany changed the legacy of our children who now get to grow up with two parents who understand that although they aren't meant to live in the same house, they were always meant to grow old together and share a healthy bond by raising two beautiful well-adjusted children who have hopefully evaded the negativity of divorce.


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1 comment:

Freddae' said...

There is an award for you at http://coffeegodandme.blogspot.com. Have a beautifully blessed Saturday.