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Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Is It Bad To Blog Before You Tell Your Husband...

For a long time now, I've had this feeling. This need. Never really able to pinpoint exactly what was chipping away at me, but lately the voice has been getting stronger. Umm, no it's not the voice of my WACKJOB syndrome this time either...
I'm talking about not just being or becoming a part of something bigger than myself, but actually MAKING something bigger than myself happen. The influx of my God into my life over the past couple of years has been like an avalanche. Gaining speed, endurance, and life with each passing day. Life is a process, a journey. Christianity is no different. When you're reborn, you go through a mirage of feelings. At first you're scared of leaving your old life behind. If you are serious about the changes you've decided to make, you quickly learn how silly those thoughts were! You have no desire to be a part of that old life. You move immediately into the over-zealous phase. You are full of excitement about this new life and the possibilities, and if you're not careful, you find yourself actually rethinking your thoughts of how crazy those "REPENT OR GO TO HELL" sign holders downtown really are. I promise those thoughts flee long before you actually buy your paint from Hobby Lobby. My point is that you go through a time where you want EVERYONE to feel what you are feeling.
Then it happens....you come to your first test, your first hurdle that throws you off your Jesus Freak high. It's a little thing called LIFE. You don't magically learn how to handle difficult situations just because you become a Christian! But at this point, you haven't actually incorporated reading the Bible everyday, so you find yourself desperately thumbing through the back looking for a quick scripture about why it's not a good idea for a Christian to give the bird in 5 o'clock rush hour traffic. But all you seem to keep coming up with are these long verses on prayer that you don't have time to read because you're running late for church. And you are so hungry for direction in your new life, that you keep that notebook in your car so you can write down every single catch phrase your pastor says because you are absolutely sure those are the phrases that will erase all your problems. Eventually you realize it's been 6 months and he's NEVER even talked about why it's not right for a Christian to give the bird in rush hour traffic!

Here's the problem...Your pastor HAS talked about that, but you weren't listening because your NEW ears are focused on hearing the parts that feed you and ONLY you...You've spent this time trying to pull out the parts that pertain to what God can do for you, and how God can help you get out of your messes. Finally one day just as you start to feel overwhelmed because things aren't going as smoothly as you hoped and you don't understand why God doesn't seem to be answering your prayers, your life changes. And it changes FOR REAL this time. You open your Bible because your notes don't seem to be cutting it anymore. And what you find are the same scriptures you've been highlighting and date stamping during services so your Bible doesn't look so new, suddenly have completely different meanings than ever before. And you can't seem to put it down. You've moved into the next phase and didn't even realize it!
And looka there (thanks for the phrase granma...) that whole bird flippin' scripture has been there all along! You just couldn't find it because it wasn't in the self-help section of the Bible.

You slowly move from "WHAT CAN GOD DO FOR ME, WHAT CAN THE CHURCH GIVE ME" to "WHAT CAN I DO FOR GOD, WHAT CAN I GIVE BACK TO MY CHURCH." See flippin the bird is categorized in the Bible as focusing on the needs of others. Being a servant to others. Always doing the right thing by your neighbor especially when it's hard. You have spent your whole NEW life gathering what you need, what you've been lacking, but not realizing how much you were growing in the process.

Eventually being a Christian becomes less and less about your needs and wants because you wake up one morning and realize your hurdles haven't seemed so big, so long, so treacherous, because you have slowly learned how to give your worries to HIM. Without realizing it, God HAS given you the tools to hide in your heart, but freely pass on when the time arises. And whatta ya know...you just happen to be driving home from a long hectic day at work, when THAT car cuts you off and makes you swerve into the emergency lane. Without even thinking, your hand shoots up, but this time it's ALL of your fingers instead of just one, giving praise and thanks to God for protecting BOTH of you.

Didn't I say somewhere way up at the top of my blog that I'm at the point of wanting to create bigger? This is the phase I'm in. Ofcourse it's enough for me to show random acts of kindness, to think before I speak, and show others Jesus by my actions in my community. But I'm hungry for more. I'm hungry for my kids to experience more. There's a part of me that feels our family is trapped by mine and my husbands' careers in our city. I long for something more. I long for my children to learn first hand knowledge of empathy and not just sympathy. This nagging feeling is growing stronger and not weakening. I WANT TO BE A MISSIONARY. There I said it. I don't know for how long. I don't know where. God will tell me that. All I have to do is listen and pray that my husband would be open minded enough to that possibility. There are many many overwhelming emotions that immediately flood my thoughts. I have children to think of. They have to eat. They deserve to have friends, stability, and the occasional bad mood from staying up to late watching t.v. And what if I feel God calls us out for just a year or two. What then? We can't just come back to our jobs and start where we left off. I feel TONS of prayer for God's Will coming on in the near future.

My awesome church has a ministry program called DAMASCUS ROAD. I don't know all the details, but I know if God is laying this on my heart, he will put the proper resources in front of me to be able to carry it out. Some of those feelings are overwhelming especially when I think of finances and how any of this will ever happen. Hello?? Did God forget how many children we are financially responsible for even if they don't technically live with us, OR is God just that Great and Mighty that He knows He will provide our needs and ALL those kids will just make it easier to reach that many more people? Wow....I feel better....

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