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Tuesday, April 21, 2009

I'm Determined To Become A MANMAMA

Just let me tell you the MANY factors that prompted this blog. But what happened in the last 3 minutes completely solidified my understanding of how God sends you signs, and just how important it is to listen and incorporate those signs based on your enviroment at that particular moment.

Here's a brief description of my regular work schedule:
Sunday 4pm-midnight
Monday-off
Tuesday-4pm-midnight
Wednesday-8am-4pm
Thursday-8am-4pm
Friday-8am-4pm
Saturday-off
My week gets hectic on Wednesday morning when I'm sleep deprived from working Tuesday night. Any monkey wrench thrown in, turns me topsy turvy.
It started off being asked to cover for a coworker that works the midnight to 8am shift on Tuesdays. That actually means the last time I sleep is Sunday night, because instead of going to bed Monday night, I leave for work and come home 8am Tuesday morning. Notice that even though I got off at 8am, I still have to come back for my normal 4-mid shift Tuesday. That's where I'm at right now. I can't seem to kick this headache from lack of sleep or lack of food.

I left to go grab a bite to help my headache and all I could think about was this vicious mental/physical circle I can't seem to get out of. I am not happy with the demands on my life right now. I'm not happy with the battle that goes on in my head between work and family. I'm not happy that my thoughts, ideas, and actions seem to waiver constantly based on where I'm at in my "woman" cycle each month. I'm angry that men seem to stay the same from the time they are 25 until whatever age they pass away. I'm angry that I have no idea how to control the hormones that are so unstable in my body, in my psyche. I'm angry that I truly love my job. It makes me feel independent. It's a time to prove to the world who BETH is. Not who BETH, the wife is, not who BETH the mother is. But in the blink of an eye, that familiar friend that has lived with me for so much of my life, rears its' ugly head and begs me to appease it ONCE MORE. I almost always open the door to that friend who happens to be exactly like me, split personality and all. This friend is GUILT with a side of SELF DOUBT. Guilt almost always comes at just the time I've worked out how I would juggle finishing my degree, or participate in that volunteer project I want to be passionate about.

The wonderful thing about ME, is that there is ALWAYS a light at the end of the tunnel. ALWAYS. God instilled a great ability to step back from any situation and size it up. My third eye can always see myself on the other side of making great decisions. I can always see the postive outcome. But everytime I try to sneak away while Guilt and Self Doubt are sleeping, they hear my car start and run to jump in. Usually I'm half way down the road feeling great about the path I'm on, when I inevitably look in the rear view mirror and there they are. Like Olympic Sprinters....NO...Like Screaming Olympic Sprinters who secretly recorded the voices of my family to use for their own gain. So all I see are Guilt and Self Doubt, and they look exactly like me! But as I start to slow down for the red light, I faintly start to hear their words. By the time they reach me at the light, I'm looking at my mirror image but hearing my childrens' voices. This is exactly what happened tonight.

On my 10 minute drive for nourishment, I had all but set in stone, the path I set forth to get me out of these feelings I've been having lately. (Well for this month atleast). I sit back down at my desk and RUNNING WITH SCISSORS calls to tell me good night. His voice sounds sad mixed with tired. Before I have a chance to ask him what's wrong, he says "Mom, it's not fair that you work til midnight. I don't like you working like that when I go to bed." WooHoo, Guilt comes a runnin'....the call to action has been initiated. Self Doubt is close behind to ensure my view of the situation stays fuzzy and unclear. Umm, hello...God, you're supposed to step in at this point. Oh wait, I have to invite Him! God, please keep my thoughts and decisions toward Your Will. Please let me continue to see all angles. Hopefully one day, with God's help and wisdom, I will be able to leave behind my two friends and make consistent decisions that last longer than 28 days.....

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