Take a minute to check out what "tangledeutopia" means!

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Not gonna post a really long one today. I've been kinda somber today for some reason, well probably 1,000 reasons. Kinda like my neighbor across the street that just had back surgery. The first 2 days, he felt wonderful, but now the good meds have worn off and he's feelin' the real deal! Despite the things that have happened the last couple of days, I've been in a really good mood. The "whatever" has worn off and just feeling a little "less."

I was doing research today for my blog makeover. Trying to find examples of blogs that I liked so I could email them to Jaime, and I accidentally came across a blog by a woman whose baby JUST died of SIDS. I can't seem to shake the words I read. You could tell she is a "tell it like it is from my world" kinda girl, because every fourth word was a swear, but I read past the cuss words and really felt my heart break for this woman. I haven't been able to stop thinking about my children today, and just how lucky I am to have such beautiful healthy kids. I love the blogs I read AND write about the craziness of our house, our life, our busy TANGLED world, but these 3, very significant events that have happened in my world the last couple of days, have really made me stop to think I guess.

1. Watching someone break into my car made me realize I'm very content and passive most of the time. I really should be more aware of my surroundings. Although I could not have prevented what happened unless I was just a little faster in the store, that is hindsight and not something I would have been able to predict. Still with ALL the training I get with my job, I want to become less comfortable with my daily routine.
2. The anniversary of my mom's birthday really really helped me remember that you never know how much time you have. So many things are important to me when it comes to knowing Jesus and making sure my kids know Him. I love the journey I've been on. This imperfect journey makes me keenly aware of where I stand with God, but thinking deeply, there are still things I feel I need to make sure my children, husband, friends, and family all know when it comes to how I feel about them and what I want them to know, because you never truly know when you're leaving.
3. Reading that woman's blog and being fully aware of just how many babies are being beaten at this very moment, being starved, being screamed at or ignored. That was not the case for this woman, by the way, but that probably makes it even harder for me to embrace. The only thing she did, was put her sleeping infant on her bed while he slept. It makes me never want to leave my children. It makes me not want to miss one thing. But my intelligent side knows that isn't rational. You have to remember that your children are people also. To be a good parent, you let them have their independence so they can learn from failure.

And I said it wasn't going to be a long post.........

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Today is my mom's birthday. She would have been 52, but more importantly, she would be livid that I publically mouthed her age! She died at the age of 47, almost 5 long years ago. We periodically do nice things for our kids. (Not to often though, we don't want them to get used to it or anything,) So we stopped by Baskin Robbins the other night because Running With Scissors received a gift certificate for completing his "Fresh Start" booklet from church. The concept is that you can make a "fresh start" with God anytime your heart is in it. I don't know if the worship team gets to him, or his heart is convicted, but this sweet baby publically makes one every other Sunday. I find it sweet, but at the same time, it makes my heart heavy because of comments he makes sometimes about how guilty he feels for misbehaving. It makes me want to hug him and never let go! (Can you tell I'm feeling over protective since my Walgreens incident?)
So as we're walking into the ice cream place, I see a sign that says Wednesday April 29th from 5pm-10pm they were having 31cent scoops in honor of firefighter's and junior firefighter's. Don't you love reasons to be cheap AND indulge in ice cream! So tonight after dinner, we'll pile the kids between 2 different vehicles (Chief is dropping my truck off today) and REDNECK IT to BR....
I never mentioned what his other truck looks like! Lord faBeegus, what have I gone and married....anyhow
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAMA, I LOVE YOU!!!!

You Like Me, You Really Like Me.....

I got off work at midnight last night, had to drive the ugly huntin' truck home. I would post a picture, but it would only serve to show just how REDNECK my husband is, and you might think different of sweet, feminine, little ol' me....well maybe later.

So I arrived home, took a hot shower, kissed my babies, and finally hopped in the bed. My routine every night is to plug my phone in, check that the alarm is set, make sure I haven't missed any emails before kissing my sleeping husband and waiting for him to snuggle up to me. As I was just about to set my phone down, I noticed an intriguing email. I'm so glad I didn't ignore it and just roll over for kisses! Kisses could wait man, I WAS A WINNER! The email was from the contest I entered for a blog makeover with Jaime @

By the end of the day, I realized that if I look hard enough and keep my heart in the right place, God will work everything out. My truck was damaged, but my spirit wasn't. I have my wonderful church http://www.thelifechurch.com/ to thank for a lot of that. They really open my eyes and keep me grounded to understanding the importance of knowing what is really important. My husband is safe and healthy, my babies are safe and healthy, and I WON A BLOG MAKEOVER!!! What more could a girl ask for???



Yesterday started out very goal oriented. I had my usual task list ready to appease my OCD. I had a nice morning with Hootie, (a.k.a. Monkey, but over the last couple of months, Hootie has just stuck) we got dressed, took him to granma's, then I headed to the doctor. I'm 10 months post monkey hatchin', (now Hootie Hatchin') and still have some minor issues with my cycle, fatigue, hair loss etc...you know the drill. And let me tell you, the CYCLE I put my poor family through 2 weeks out of every month, bared looking into. He gave me some good advice, and I left there, feeling a little better about the future of TangledEutopia. Believe me, there are sometimes I've wanted to take the Eutopia part and not Tangle it, but STANGLE it!!! But, I feel better now!

Afterwards, I stopped by my favorite sushi spot to pick up a quick lunch. I realized it was to early to head to work, so I decided to stop in Walgreens to pick up formula, drop it off with Granny and Uncle Shane before heading in to work. I was walking out, purse and cell in hand, when I saw a man standing at my truck. I thought he was just peering in until I saw that my drivers' side glass was shattered. I watched as he put the finishing touch, pounding for the last time, as the glass shattered everywhere. Without thinking, I shouted and called his attention. My fingers became thumbs, as I fumbled to turn my cell camera on. All I could think about was getting a face shot. The camera was so much in the forefront of my mind, that I failed to stare long enough to burn his image into my mind. He sort of lunged forward at me before deciding just to just grab what he could and be done. He jumped in, grabbed my makeup bag because he obviously thought it was a purse, then jumped into the passenger side of a waiting vehicle before they sped off. I was still fumbling with the stupid camera when I decided to give up and focus on the vehicle description. Long story short, I gave all the information to the police, and started the aweful process of dealing with the REAL ROBBERS, the insurance company.... I'm just so sad b/c my wedding rings and engraved Tiffany style heart necklace I got for Mother's Day last year were in the bag. I had placed them in before going into the doctor and forgot all about it until this morning when I was getting dressed.



So that's it. That was my day. Finally got to work, spent the night feeling surpisingly better than I thought I would, until I had to drive Chief's camouflage huntin' truck home. I hate driving that truck. It is entirely impossible to feel any kind of femininity in a truck that your husband spray painted to match the woods. It has no power steering, no cup holder, blah blah blah.....Read the next post to see how I ended my day because even though I had a rough afternoon, it ended on a really good note!!!

TangledEutopia

TangledEutopia

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Definition of a MANMAMA

Obviously the word MANMAMA isn't in the Websters' Dictionary, so to understand the full definition, I've broken down the elements that form the full definition:

Merriam-Webster defines the word MAN as follows:
Main Entry:
1.man
Function:
noun
1 a (1): an individual human ; especially : an adult male human (2): a man belonging to a particular category (as by birth, residence, membership, or occupation) mammal that is anatomically related to the great apes but distinguished especially by notable development of the brain with a resultant capacity for articulate speech and abstract reasoning, (3): the individual who can fulfill or who has been chosen to fulfill one's requirements. : (4)the working force as distinguished from the employer and usually the management.
2. man
Function:
transitive verb
1: to supply with people (as for service) 2: to serve in the force or complement of 3:to furnish with strength or powers of resistance

Main Entry:
1Moth·er
Function:
noun
1 a: a female parent b (1): a woman in authority ; specifically : the superior of a religious community of women 2: maternal tenderness or affection
Mother as a verb:
Function:
transitive verb
1 a: to give birth to b: to give rise to : produce2: to care for or protect like a mother

DEFINITION:
Main Entry:
MANMAMA
Function:
nerb
1.a female parent in authority with notable developement of brain of resultant capacity for articulate speech and abstract reasoning, 2. chosen to fulfill one's requirements usually management 3. to give rise to maternal tenderness or affection 4. while caring for and protecting with 5. powers of strength and resistance

I'm Determined To Become A MANMAMA

Just let me tell you the MANY factors that prompted this blog. But what happened in the last 3 minutes completely solidified my understanding of how God sends you signs, and just how important it is to listen and incorporate those signs based on your enviroment at that particular moment.

Here's a brief description of my regular work schedule:
Sunday 4pm-midnight
Monday-off
Tuesday-4pm-midnight
Wednesday-8am-4pm
Thursday-8am-4pm
Friday-8am-4pm
Saturday-off
My week gets hectic on Wednesday morning when I'm sleep deprived from working Tuesday night. Any monkey wrench thrown in, turns me topsy turvy.
It started off being asked to cover for a coworker that works the midnight to 8am shift on Tuesdays. That actually means the last time I sleep is Sunday night, because instead of going to bed Monday night, I leave for work and come home 8am Tuesday morning. Notice that even though I got off at 8am, I still have to come back for my normal 4-mid shift Tuesday. That's where I'm at right now. I can't seem to kick this headache from lack of sleep or lack of food.

I left to go grab a bite to help my headache and all I could think about was this vicious mental/physical circle I can't seem to get out of. I am not happy with the demands on my life right now. I'm not happy with the battle that goes on in my head between work and family. I'm not happy that my thoughts, ideas, and actions seem to waiver constantly based on where I'm at in my "woman" cycle each month. I'm angry that men seem to stay the same from the time they are 25 until whatever age they pass away. I'm angry that I have no idea how to control the hormones that are so unstable in my body, in my psyche. I'm angry that I truly love my job. It makes me feel independent. It's a time to prove to the world who BETH is. Not who BETH, the wife is, not who BETH the mother is. But in the blink of an eye, that familiar friend that has lived with me for so much of my life, rears its' ugly head and begs me to appease it ONCE MORE. I almost always open the door to that friend who happens to be exactly like me, split personality and all. This friend is GUILT with a side of SELF DOUBT. Guilt almost always comes at just the time I've worked out how I would juggle finishing my degree, or participate in that volunteer project I want to be passionate about.

The wonderful thing about ME, is that there is ALWAYS a light at the end of the tunnel. ALWAYS. God instilled a great ability to step back from any situation and size it up. My third eye can always see myself on the other side of making great decisions. I can always see the postive outcome. But everytime I try to sneak away while Guilt and Self Doubt are sleeping, they hear my car start and run to jump in. Usually I'm half way down the road feeling great about the path I'm on, when I inevitably look in the rear view mirror and there they are. Like Olympic Sprinters....NO...Like Screaming Olympic Sprinters who secretly recorded the voices of my family to use for their own gain. So all I see are Guilt and Self Doubt, and they look exactly like me! But as I start to slow down for the red light, I faintly start to hear their words. By the time they reach me at the light, I'm looking at my mirror image but hearing my childrens' voices. This is exactly what happened tonight.

On my 10 minute drive for nourishment, I had all but set in stone, the path I set forth to get me out of these feelings I've been having lately. (Well for this month atleast). I sit back down at my desk and RUNNING WITH SCISSORS calls to tell me good night. His voice sounds sad mixed with tired. Before I have a chance to ask him what's wrong, he says "Mom, it's not fair that you work til midnight. I don't like you working like that when I go to bed." WooHoo, Guilt comes a runnin'....the call to action has been initiated. Self Doubt is close behind to ensure my view of the situation stays fuzzy and unclear. Umm, hello...God, you're supposed to step in at this point. Oh wait, I have to invite Him! God, please keep my thoughts and decisions toward Your Will. Please let me continue to see all angles. Hopefully one day, with God's help and wisdom, I will be able to leave behind my two friends and make consistent decisions that last longer than 28 days.....

Is It Bad To Blog Before You Tell Your Husband...

For a long time now, I've had this feeling. This need. Never really able to pinpoint exactly what was chipping away at me, but lately the voice has been getting stronger. Umm, no it's not the voice of my WACKJOB syndrome this time either...
I'm talking about not just being or becoming a part of something bigger than myself, but actually MAKING something bigger than myself happen. The influx of my God into my life over the past couple of years has been like an avalanche. Gaining speed, endurance, and life with each passing day. Life is a process, a journey. Christianity is no different. When you're reborn, you go through a mirage of feelings. At first you're scared of leaving your old life behind. If you are serious about the changes you've decided to make, you quickly learn how silly those thoughts were! You have no desire to be a part of that old life. You move immediately into the over-zealous phase. You are full of excitement about this new life and the possibilities, and if you're not careful, you find yourself actually rethinking your thoughts of how crazy those "REPENT OR GO TO HELL" sign holders downtown really are. I promise those thoughts flee long before you actually buy your paint from Hobby Lobby. My point is that you go through a time where you want EVERYONE to feel what you are feeling.
Then it happens....you come to your first test, your first hurdle that throws you off your Jesus Freak high. It's a little thing called LIFE. You don't magically learn how to handle difficult situations just because you become a Christian! But at this point, you haven't actually incorporated reading the Bible everyday, so you find yourself desperately thumbing through the back looking for a quick scripture about why it's not a good idea for a Christian to give the bird in 5 o'clock rush hour traffic. But all you seem to keep coming up with are these long verses on prayer that you don't have time to read because you're running late for church. And you are so hungry for direction in your new life, that you keep that notebook in your car so you can write down every single catch phrase your pastor says because you are absolutely sure those are the phrases that will erase all your problems. Eventually you realize it's been 6 months and he's NEVER even talked about why it's not right for a Christian to give the bird in rush hour traffic!

Here's the problem...Your pastor HAS talked about that, but you weren't listening because your NEW ears are focused on hearing the parts that feed you and ONLY you...You've spent this time trying to pull out the parts that pertain to what God can do for you, and how God can help you get out of your messes. Finally one day just as you start to feel overwhelmed because things aren't going as smoothly as you hoped and you don't understand why God doesn't seem to be answering your prayers, your life changes. And it changes FOR REAL this time. You open your Bible because your notes don't seem to be cutting it anymore. And what you find are the same scriptures you've been highlighting and date stamping during services so your Bible doesn't look so new, suddenly have completely different meanings than ever before. And you can't seem to put it down. You've moved into the next phase and didn't even realize it!
And looka there (thanks for the phrase granma...) that whole bird flippin' scripture has been there all along! You just couldn't find it because it wasn't in the self-help section of the Bible.

You slowly move from "WHAT CAN GOD DO FOR ME, WHAT CAN THE CHURCH GIVE ME" to "WHAT CAN I DO FOR GOD, WHAT CAN I GIVE BACK TO MY CHURCH." See flippin the bird is categorized in the Bible as focusing on the needs of others. Being a servant to others. Always doing the right thing by your neighbor especially when it's hard. You have spent your whole NEW life gathering what you need, what you've been lacking, but not realizing how much you were growing in the process.

Eventually being a Christian becomes less and less about your needs and wants because you wake up one morning and realize your hurdles haven't seemed so big, so long, so treacherous, because you have slowly learned how to give your worries to HIM. Without realizing it, God HAS given you the tools to hide in your heart, but freely pass on when the time arises. And whatta ya know...you just happen to be driving home from a long hectic day at work, when THAT car cuts you off and makes you swerve into the emergency lane. Without even thinking, your hand shoots up, but this time it's ALL of your fingers instead of just one, giving praise and thanks to God for protecting BOTH of you.

Didn't I say somewhere way up at the top of my blog that I'm at the point of wanting to create bigger? This is the phase I'm in. Ofcourse it's enough for me to show random acts of kindness, to think before I speak, and show others Jesus by my actions in my community. But I'm hungry for more. I'm hungry for my kids to experience more. There's a part of me that feels our family is trapped by mine and my husbands' careers in our city. I long for something more. I long for my children to learn first hand knowledge of empathy and not just sympathy. This nagging feeling is growing stronger and not weakening. I WANT TO BE A MISSIONARY. There I said it. I don't know for how long. I don't know where. God will tell me that. All I have to do is listen and pray that my husband would be open minded enough to that possibility. There are many many overwhelming emotions that immediately flood my thoughts. I have children to think of. They have to eat. They deserve to have friends, stability, and the occasional bad mood from staying up to late watching t.v. And what if I feel God calls us out for just a year or two. What then? We can't just come back to our jobs and start where we left off. I feel TONS of prayer for God's Will coming on in the near future.

My awesome church has a ministry program called DAMASCUS ROAD. I don't know all the details, but I know if God is laying this on my heart, he will put the proper resources in front of me to be able to carry it out. Some of those feelings are overwhelming especially when I think of finances and how any of this will ever happen. Hello?? Did God forget how many children we are financially responsible for even if they don't technically live with us, OR is God just that Great and Mighty that He knows He will provide our needs and ALL those kids will just make it easier to reach that many more people? Wow....I feel better....

Sunday, April 19, 2009

WackJOB

I hate this moment. The moment just before the flood gates open and I write entirely to much for one blog. (Especially when I STILL can't figure out the whole expanded post issue I'm having...) This is the moment when I have so many topics, I can't seem to just choose one. So my fingers just keep going and somehow a topic is born 5 sentences in... So, here's what's been going on lately.

I had to take ALL 3 kids to the doctor at once the other day. I will NEVER do that again! Monkey still has nose issues. The stuffy/runny at the same time kind. He was prescribed an allergy medication. 2 days later, he's in the ER at 1:30am with 104.4 fever, drainage vomiting, and uncontrollable shaking. The house was so quiet. Children/husband sleeping for hours, and I'm sitting in the bathroom floor painting my cabinets. I hear him cough and it doesn't sound right. I go in, freak out, take him to the ER. He has an upper respiratory infection/ear infection. I know it could be so much worse, and I thank GOD it's not, but my heart hurts for this baby. His nose has been this way almost constant since January. Hopefully the worst is behind us!

The doctor tells me both the big kids have allergy issues also. Running with scissors has NEVER had any issues, so I start feeling like the worst mom in the world, thinking his new ADHD meds are causing a massive breakdown with his immune system, when REALLY I'm sure it's a coincidence of starting the meds in the spring.

Little Miss Talks-A-Lot on the other hand, has always had allergy issues like me. But I'm truly starting to think her allergy pill is causing some kind of adverse reaction that causes her eyes to roll back into her sockets, and venom to spew out of her mouth everytime she even thinks her little brother is within earshot. Can allergy pills do that???? Aaahhh, if only it were that simple.

I truly love the fact that as time goes on if you wait long enough, someone somewhere is going to make up a name for every single ailment you can imagine. I won't offend anyone with being specific about some of the titles I've read that seem completely lazy, victimizing, and ridiculous, but I'll touch on one that I have decided to pull out of the hat and use for myself. (How convenient of me....)

Can you feel the cynicism in my voice when I tell you I am almost 99% sure I have PMDD? That's sortof an "I spent 5 minutes working on that name" kinda name in my opinion. I like to call it, "Write a sentence, erase a sentence, become livid at the way your husband put the dishes away, yell at your kids for being kids, go in the bedroom and cry on your bed because you are so thankful your husband put away the dishes, over analyze how to tell your kids you are sorry for yelling at them about how aweful it is to yell at eachother, immediately start feeling guilty for being in your bedroom alone for 7 whole minutes, walk out of your bedroom feeling refreshed from your cry only to walk past a jelly bean that has been sticking out from under the couch for 2 weeks and start yelling at your husband for trying to make your life miserable by never helping with housework."

As soon as I figure out how to condense that down into an acronym before I erase it because I'm scared people will think I'm crazy, I'll let you know....

Side Note To CHIEF LOTS-A-KIDS: I LOVE YOU. WELL, RIGHT NOW I LOVE YOU...

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Servolution Causing a Revolution???

I've been wanting to write this blog, but for sometime now, I've been acutely aware of how OCD I am when it comes to using to many words. But focusing on how I can accurately get my point across with out over-expressing, perplexes me and makes me think about it more...(see, I just wrote 52 words and haven't even started the blog, geez...)

Now to my thoughts...I encourage you to read my blog titled TANGLED HURT first if you don't know any background on my parents or my life the last 5 years. It will help you understand my words.

I haven't had a relationship with my dad since my mom died. He dove deeper into grief, depression, guilt, and the drugs that put our family in this position in the first place. Life hasn't meant anything to him since my mom died. My children, my brothers, nor I have been enough to pull him through the demons in his mind. Things have happened that are so far beyond my comprehension that they are to the point of accepted. My dad has gone from making $150,000 in one summer with his business, to being homeless, being put in jail at times, having no teeth, and now living in a VA facility through drug court where he has to sleep in the same room with probably 20 other men. Over the past 5 years, drugs have made him manipulative, dishonest, cunning, but most hurtful, someone I simply don't know. I'm nervous and sweaty when I'm in close proximity to him, words don't come to me, and I'm impatient and unreasonalbe with my family. I don't really have nightmares like I did right after my mom died, but what I have now, are dreams of sitting in his lap and him hugging me and telling me things are going to be okay. But in my dreams I truly believe what he says. Over the past couple of months, after really having no contact with him for years, except through second hand conversations with my grandparents, he has started texting or calling me every afternoon and simply saying "it's 5 o'clock somewhere and I just want you to know I am thinking about you." For the most part, that is the extint of our conversation. It stays safe that way. If I don't know details of his life, I don't judge, worry, or over-analyze. I simply know he is alive, and that is enough for me.

Well, over the last couple of weeks, our relationship has shifted. With the nightly 30 second conversation, the talk has become more indepth and it's made me a little nervous. He has been in some type of rehab 4 or 5 times since mom died. They have always stemmed from some sort of situation he has gotten himself into and out of desperation to run from the situation, he cons someone in our family into believing that this time is the "real deal." Up to this point, it has never been the case. After the second time, I cut ties. I decided I was too important to my family to mentally leave my children and my husband to continue naively believing his lies. And my family was too important to my mental well being to neglect them for someone who COULD NOT be a positive asset in my life or assure any longevity in our lives. I decided to start living the way I have always wanted to live with no apologies or insecurities.

That decision has transformed the LEGACY of my family over the past 4 years. I no longer worry about turning into the negative attributes of my mom, in turn giving them to my children, but I'm fully confident that I have buried deep inside my soul, all of her positive insight, which has allowed me to merge all the amazing positive aspects of my mother, my grandmothers, and my aunts. The decision to live a Christ like life wasn't a hard decision. I have been in church my whole life. I simply have never listened before 4 years ago. The decision was more of a sigh of relief, that I was finally able to hold my head up high in front of my children and know I was not holding any "Saturday Night Secrets" any longer. Nothing but the decision and conversation with God, happened over night. This has been a process, a journey with a new starting point. I had to mop up some floors before I walked out the door and closed it forever. That took the first couple of years into my Christian journey and some of the floors still haven't completely dried. But I'm okay with that, because Jesus was also on his own journey while here on Earth. It's how I handle my thought and decision making process that makes me so excited. Our first church as a Christian couple, clearly put us on the right path as a family, but our second and LAST church has fully blossomed our inner fire. This church truly makes me sad for my old self. It makes me sad for all the people in my world that I was once scared to tell of my newfound love for fear of having to retract my statements the following saturday night...let me assure you, I don't have those fears anymore!!

I've been so excited about the outreach our church puts forth. Bringing this blog back around full circle, I'll explain what my dad and my church have to do with one another...These uncomfortable more lenghty chats have produced some 6 degrees of seperation weirdness. I have a friend that I connected with because her husband was going thru the same problems that caused my moms' death. We lost touch, our daughters became close friends in school 2 years later not knowing any history of her and I knowing one another. They became closer when they realized they both started going to the same awesome church within 3 months of one another. It couldn't have happened at a better time because after being clean for 4 years, he relapsed. At the same time, my 4 year tough love hiatus became jolted with my dad, so we both need strength. So we are both attending the new church, we've aligned ourselves to trade drop off/pick up of some youth activities with the kids, and one of these conversations turned into an hour long talk where he told me he is better and committed to treatment and Faith and him asking if he could get my dad's number so he could coordinate picking him up for a meeting together. That turned into a longer conversation with my dad where I told him about both our families really throwing ourselves into this awesome church. That conversation led to him asking if his "friend" who happens to be a woman, could drive him to meet me at church on saturday morning because I had signed up for this awesome mission work called "7 DAYS OF SERVOLUTION," where I was feeding the homeless and picking up trash in under priveleged neighborhoods. All of the above, led to a phone call the morning of SERVOLUTION, with my dad telling me his "friend" happened to know where the church was because HER PARENTS GO THERE ALSO AND WERE SERVING THAT SATURDAY.....

UMMM, HELLO??? I don't need to witness the dead being raised, the blind to see, the lame to walk. Out of billions of people in the world, and God chose to give ME this succession of events to prove HIS LOVE AND GRACE FOR ME? Yea, thanks but no thanks, I don't need any other "sign" to wonder if ALL that was coincidence. I don't know what the future holds for my dad. Noone at Servolution yesterday, knew the history of my family. They didn't realize how I cried silently while picking up trash in the busy car wash on the drug infested corner, because I was overwhelmed with the emotions brought on by my dad walking right beside me helping pick up trash in probably the same neighborhood he had bought drugs in before. My dad has become one of the people SERVOLUTION aches to reach out to. I don't know his inner thoughts, his motivation for coming yesterday to help. Cautious thoughts still prevail in my mind as I disect every word, every action he has, looking for some manipulation, some dishonesty. Nervously watching and waiting to see if he will play on my weakness of love for some selfish gain. Constantly looking at his arms, his eyes for signs of use. I don't know what the future holds. I don't know when I'll be comfortable around him. But whatever his motivation, I've put it in God's Hands. In turn, God put my daddy in His Hands, and as I was pouring my *Starbucks* this morning at church, God gently lowered my daddy out of His Hands, placed him next to me in line, then wispered in Pastor John's ear, the EXACT message my daddy needed to hear to reshape his family legacy.


I would have never believed I would see MY dad in MY church out of the blue like that. Folks, that wasn't coincidence...That was God and SERVOLUTION!!!






I entered the contest in this blog to HOPEFULLY win a blog makeover!!!

Becoming Unshakable

Well, you all see how sad my blog looks. I've had to resort back to a classic template offered by blogger until I can figure out how to stop obliterating my html codes...

I've entered a contest to win a free makeover in hopes of getting a little, no a lot of help with my vision. hhhmmm, Goal #1 accomplished...I commented on the contest and included this powerful statement I formed while listening to Pastor John this weekend. "You have to have a faith based long term vision, in order to reach your short term goals." There are so many ways to work that statement around, but the meaning is all the same. We have to learn to be unshakable in our life. God has a vision for us, but sometimes we don't stop to think about the ultimate goal when we're running around our crazy lives and wondering why things aren't going the way we want. Your short term goals will be harder to achieve if you don't take time to first, give it to God, and second utilize your faith that He has a plan for your life. You don't have to worry about your short term goals being met when your not the pilot. Here's a couple of things I've taken from the scripture we've been studying...

Hebrews 10:9
To become UNSHAKABLE, God brings you through the old to get you to the new

Hebrew 2:1
You have to be more prepared for the "new" God gives you, and you can only do that by going through the old

God's voice is only as powerful as your faith is to hearing it

You'll never act on things you don't believe in. Dr. Phil always asks "how's that working for you?" I truly believe we complain about the bad that happens in our lives because there is a comfort in continuing the same actions. You have to move into a new state of mind in order to renew your UNSHAKABLE MOMENTUM

If you go forward in faith with whatever strength you have for the day,God will supply the strength you need for tomorrow.

3 things God is building in your life to be UNSHAKABLE...

1. UNSHAKABLE FAITH about your future
2. UNSHAKABLE PASSION
3. UNSHAKABLE CONVICTIONS **convictions are NOT tested in the mountains, they are
tested in the valley**

How do you do that??

1. PAY ATTENTION to what God is telling you
2. STAY AMAZED and don't let your heart become hardened
3. ADD FAITH b/c if you don't believe, you don't invest
4. LEARN QUICK b/c you can't GO ON UNTIL YOU LEAVE WHERE YOU ARE