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Tuesday, January 27, 2009

WHEN DID MY APPLE TURN INTO A TENNIS BALL?

I've had issues with Liam and his teacher this school year. We are in the middle of a long process, having him tested for ADHD. His teacher and I constantly email back and forth about his daily life in 2nd grade. I'm at work in the middle of replying to her last email and I just had to stop. It's not like me to cry at work, (okay, so I did cry at least 4 or 5 times when I was pregnant, but that was just crazy hormones), but my heart is just breaking. There are times that I feel like no one understands Liam the way I do. But there are just as many times that I feel like I don't even understand him sometimes. I just don't know that I am able to have a clear perspective of what reality is anymore when it comes to him. I hurt for him. I'm frustrated because I don't have the ability to gage not the choices he makes, but WHY he makes some of those choices. I sometimes feel that he doesn't have the capacity to stop and think about consequences beforehand or understand the definition of empathy. When it comes to school, I truly feel that he and Mrs. Rockholt started off on a bad note. She has spent the year being frustrated with him which has probably made her less patient. And he has spent the year being frustrated with her, which has caused his grades to suffer, as well as staying in trouble. Before this year, I had a totally different opinion when I would see out of control kids. Its so easy to look at those kids and say their parents must not care or they wouldn't let them act that way. I feel different now. I do care. I just don't have the answers. I have never wanted to let medication be a way out. Behavior modification works well if I have the tools AND stamina to be as consistent as I need to be. But lately, his teacher has made me second guess every single notion I've ever had. I truly believe that you either click with people when you meet them, or you don't. And there is no difference when it comes to being a teacher.
For whatever reason, Liam's 1st grade teacher seemed to "click" with him. Every time I speak about this subject to anyone, I consistently say how I feel that Mrs. Gordin truly loved Liam as a person, which made her more patient with him. Which in turn made him want to learn, want to be good, seek her approval. That doesn't mean he was that way every day. He had his share of bad marks. But it doesn't matter how old you are, we are born with an ability to read how others feel about us, whether we are mature enough to put that "sense" into words or not. Every teacher has a different style which makes me ask the question....Do I spend all my time and effort every single school year, in making sure Liam is paired with a teacher that wants to bond with him, take the time to understand his learning style, wants to help him achieve the best year possible? Or is it our responsibility as his parents to train him to adapt and overcome even the most difficult of situations? Isn't that what is going to help him in adulthood? I feel so very frustrated because I'm not in that classroom everyday. I can't tell whose side is the right story of every situation. There was a day when I received an email that conjured feelings just like the one from today did. I was upset, sad, confused, mad all in one instant. Mrs. Rockholt wrote with such urgency like she was at her wits end, not knowing what to do next. She even anticipated his bad behavior before it even happened!!! That was the day my heart sank. I walked away from my desk to go have a private minute of thought and concluded that she had written him off. But with the air of so much urgency and frenzy of the immediate situation, when Liam walked in the door from school, he was truly sincerely oblivious. He went from "E" to "G" that day and didn't walk through the door with the dreaded long face that always lets me know he is aware of his bad day. So who's point of view do I go with? I want so bad to not be THAT MOM. The mom that thinks her kid does NO wrong. Or the mom that completely trusts every word of the teacher because after all, the teacher is a grown up and why would she have any malicious intent that stems from lack of patience or tiredness from constantly dealing with THAT ONE DIFFICULT CHILD?

I'm just spent. I don't know where to go from here. There is a huge part of me that is relying so heavily on this next doctor's appt. She scheduled Liam for an EEG to make sure his brain waves were okay and there were no small seizures happening. I don't believe that is the case, but she reasons this because when she was testing him, she told me she noticed he had a lot of difficulty processing information. He would add instead of subtract. She had to repeat her questions over and over while he looked up at the ceiling counting the imaginary numbers up there, all the while trying to understand her question. IF this is true and IF what Liam says is true about getting in trouble on a daily basis for raising his hand while she is going over work, or talking out to tell her she is going to fast, then what would the right answer be? Would the answer be that sometimes extra time would need to be spent with him one on one to make sure he understood? OR would the answer be that he needs to learn to hold his questions until a more appropriate time? Because IF he does have a problem with processing, then wouldn't it make sense that he would have a problem with being able to even remember the question for later? And wouldn't it make sense that his fidgeting, hand raising, talking could all be misconstrued as blatant disobedience IF your patience has long since been lost??? Now wait. I must stop myself there. I am fully aware there are plenty of times Liam is outright disobedient. He has to be told things over and over sometimes. He takes pride in making people laugh whether from innocence or malice intent. But what 7 year old doesn't? What 7 year old loves doing homework? I only know my 7 year old. AND I've only had experience with one other 7 year old who happens to be polar opposite her brother. She has empathy oozing from her ears. She's in Apex. She's never had a problem sitting still and she proves that all the time when she tries to slip under the radar and hide in my room to watch t.v. for hours instead of playing outside (because I have never and probably will never allow televisions in their bedrooms). And I feel like I have to say that as a parent, I try extremely hard not to compare. If anything, while I'm not asking Liam why he can't be like his sister, I'm also not rewarding Talia enough for just being herself. School conduct is a consistent topic in our house. Everyday the first words out of Liam's mouth are what he "stayed on". Poor Talia is never asked or rewarded for staying on "E" every day of her 5 year school career. In fact, she had to move to "G" one time in her life, and she beat herself up way more than I EVER could or would. She cried!!! So on a whole other topic, I have guilt at not remembering to praise or reward Talia enough because I'm so consumed with worrying how Liam's day went. So consumed with struggling over his homework everyday that I forget to visibly go over hers because I know she's done it.

I think it all boils down to fears and expectations I have for other people. I want so badly for everyone that meets Liam to feel the way I feel about him. But so many people don't know how to take him. He is tiring to say the least. People can take him in small doses which causes them to automatically invite Talia places instead of him. I know if it hurts my feelings as bad as it does, I can only imagine what he feels. I'm worried that right now two of the most important people in his little world have given up on him before giving him a chance. First impressions can sometimes never leave and tend to form foundational opinions that are very hard to break through. In the same hand, my expectations for both of these people, his step-dad and his teacher are extremely high because they help form who Liam is and who he will become as an adult. If he only has me to build him up or his dad who is of the opinion that Liam does nothing wrong and he's just being a kid, then Liam is in trouble. He will become a lazy sissy mama's boy. Don't laugh.....I'm serious. :)

My point in this is that so many people have a hand in forming, teaching, nurturing Liam. I have to be able to keep a perspective that not everyone will do the above (forming, teaching, nurturing) just like I do, nor do I want them to. But as his mom, who loves him more than I can ever put into words, I worry about him. I want his possibilities to be limitless and his opportunities abundant. But neither of those will be flourished to capacity if Liam continues to be misunderstood. I beg anyone who reads this and knows Liam, to please give me an outside view. Even if, no especially if, it is painful to hear. I'm 100% sure my views are my own and what you see is different than mine.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Spring Break 2009

My brain has become overwhelmed lately with planning our spring break trip. I really want to take the kids somewhere they have never been. A huge dream of mine is to go to the Red Wood Forest in California, and Mt. Rushmore. Neither of those are in the cards for this March because BAHM's (yaaahhh, my first attempt at pseudonaming!!), mom is getting married in Minnesota in July. BAHM, by the way, is my best friend, and will be talked about a lot over the course of my blog experience. I'll have to blog about the choosing of her name at some point.....

So, July is having to be planned for at the same time. These are some of the ideas I've had about our March trip:
DC
Amtrak train trip
Eastern seanboard trip
Mt. Rushmore
Renting an RV
Then, I remembered my girlfriend lives not quite an hour outside of Orlando. Bells went off, I heard the music playing in my head.....I am such a coupon hunter. There may be a touch of OCD in there when it comes to finding good deals. I'm constantly saying to myself that I can find a better deal. So I immediately got on Craigslist to look at Ocala's vacation rental pages. I've found condos with weekly rentals, etc...
I tried to check airfare prices and hotels. I'm not sure what we're going to yet. Hopefully my research will lead me to some really great ticket discounts for the park. I've only been once and I was 14, so the logistics weren't something I cared about at that point. I feel lost. I know I'll find some help with trip planning, its just finding the time for all this research! WISH ME LUCK!!!!!

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Kiddo Pseudonames

It's come to my attention in the last oh say, 6 hours that I've been at work not working, but doing blog research (hey, it's Sunday night. Sunday is never busy so its okay), that it might be a good idea to give the members of my family, pet names for safety reasons.

***note to self, hopefully I'll blog so much that the first posts I've posted will get pushed so far down the line that people won't have the patience to scroll and read their real names***

Now for the fun part. The first thing that popped in my head for the uuhhhem, 11 year old girl in my house (not saying any names), was Mouth....but I immediately told myself "self, you will not give these babies, husband included, negative connotations because if they ever read this, they will surely try to live up to the expectation."

Sooo, back to the fun part. HHHMMM, I think this is going to take some MORE research. Like I don't have enough research going on with 9 internet explorer boxes sitting at the bottom of my desktop waiting on me to get back to them....

I'll get back to ya....

The Last of the Tangled.....

I've noticed now that I've come back to my blog, that I think about it all the time and immediately ask myself "Do I want to blog about that?". I'm still unsure of the direction of this blog. Do I want to blog daily life, do I want to focus on my crafts (or the lack there of), do I want to blog my opinions of current events and my opinions of my surroundings? There are way to many options. I know that I want to be able to look back on these, pull them and add them to the many letters I've written the kids since I was pregnant with Talia. But that makes it that much more difficult to decide. I am really inspired everytime I go to other mom blogs. I get great ideas, and instantly tell myself I don't know how to do what they did with their pages. I still at this point haven't talked about my blog a lot because it is such a work in progress. I immediately feel overwhelmed at the time I feel it will take to research and learn how to make my blog outstanding. I think I've reserved myself to small blogs daily until I have a direction. And with that, I've decided to stop the theme of my post titles. Oh, I assure you, things will always still be "tangled", but from now on, I'm just going to go with the title I feel is appropriate.

Monday, January 5, 2009

Tangled Hormones

NOTE***I DECIDED TO PULL A BLOG FROM MY MYSPACE PAGE. IT'S AN OLDER POST, BUT I WANTED TO ARCHIVE IT HERE. JUST LETTING YOU KNOW! (BY THE WAY, I FEEL MUCH MUCH BETTER!!!!)

October 24, 2008-Friday
The Word of the Day is....
Bi-Polar


So, you know when your life starts spinning out of control because you've stopped paying attention to it?? You get so caught up IN your life, that you forget to every now and then, take a step back, breathe, and re-evaluate.

I'm there. Houston has been such a huge blessing. I can't imagine my life without him now that he's here. I never had any form of post-partum with my bigger kids, but man I've had it with him. You have to think though, EVERY aspect of my life is different than the last time I had a baby.

There's a new husband, I'm working, I have 2 older kids that still need me just as much as the day before I had him, my mom is gone, my dad is gone, Shane is gone, Anthony is around every now and then. Everything is different. I'm not handling it so well some days. BUT then there are those days that all seems right with the world. Go Figure.......

**Beth knows she has some negative internal dialogue goin' on. She is fully aware of how to fix EVERYTHING. The issue becomes taking it from internal to outward and giving verbs to this thought process. **

I won't bore you with details about how hormones work in a woman's body, but just know, they are potentially more harmful than Cancer or HIV. Promise. So right now, my internal dialogue are patiently (okay, not patiently) waiting for whatever is going to happen, to hurry up and happen. Whether that is waiting for me to be far enough outside of the post-baby-having time zone, or far enough outside the post-ensuringIhavenomorebabies- time zone, I don't know. All I know is that I am waiting. Waiting for my hair to stop falling out, my butt to go back to the way it was, waiting for my emotions to get into check, waiting for STELLA to return to her dorm room at the University of Hormones. She is majoring in a new degree program called MakeUrFamilyCrazyPsychology 101.

I've never in my life been able to start writing something and have my emotions change 4 different times within the course of one writing! This is NOT one of the good parts of being a woman.....And believe me, I've had so many thoughts about why I can't seem to like my self-image at this moment. I've come to the conclusion, that it honestly has nothing to do with "other" women, or how "other" women look. It has everything to do with knowing what I am capable of. I've been there. I have the picture of me and MKG to prove it....

My poor babies and my poor husband have become innocent victims in these drive-by shootings and I'm sure they are tired from having no warning of when to rush inside out of the line of fire. Luckily my thoughts haven't turned horrific like "where can I find cyanide" horrific. Yet, they are equally as harmful on some levels. I've had MAJOR talks with God lately, and profusely apologized for taking a break from Him, when He never took a break from me. And He assures me, that by handing Him the wheel, and not trying to control the direction of my journey, He will get me there smoothly. With the baton pass-off, we have collectively decided that our family needs more spiritual growth. We've started going to a new church, a non-denominational, multi-cultural church and I promise, it's like going to a concert every Sunday. I'm in love....

Every aspect of every fiber of my being right now, boils down to one word. So children, the word of the day is CONSISTENCY. Now we will use it in a sentence.....

What do motivational seminars/speakers and food have in common? Using both in healthy consistency will ensure longevity of a positive life.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Tangled in DIY Mode


Wow, it's been forever! I'll be slowly updating the past year to bring my blog up to speed. In a nutshell, Houston is here and I couldn't be more of a proud mommy!! I've been so wrapped up in frugal living that I've started making him bibs, paci holders, and whatever else I can think up! My best friend, Anne, started me on this!!
I've also free-hand painting bible verses on the kitchen wall and laundry room. I'm dying for an embroidery machine, but haven't had the extra money to spend. A good one will cost me around $1,000. Sorry kids, that's just not something I have right now. Especially with a new baby, not to mention, this was our year to have all the kids. What a crazy 2 weeks this has been! I had to work a couple of 16 hour overnight shifts over the holidays and ofcourse the kids were out of school. So when I was getting off work, so very tired, the kids were just waking up! Needless to say, I didn't get a lot of sleep.
So, I've decided to post some of my creations on here and see what kind of response I get. I thought about putting them on Etsy, Ebay, or Craigslist, but don't have enough made to do so yet. I've been really excited about how well things have turned out. (As long as I don't have sewing machine problems). Actually, I was using Anne's machine and it worked really well after I got the hang of it. I spit out bibs, pillows, and pacifier holders for all the new babies that have come into our family over the past year. Then.....I have no idea what happened, but the bobbin stopped being my friend. I eventually had to give it back and luckily, my great-grandmother said I could have hers. Problem??? You guessed it...it's as old as I am. Extremely heavy, in a huge desk, and no earthly idea how to use it. Sean sat down one night, and couldn't understand the bobbin. Do I have issues with bobbins or what??? All I can pray for is that God sees fit for me to have a brand new, really easy to use, computerized sewing machine with really easy instructions!! And I'm not sure, but I think I'd like one that was a sewing/embroidery machine in one.
Until then, I'll just pudge along with whatever I can manage. I'm still really excited about the finished product no matter how long it takes me. Yea, that reminds me, I have to get back my 3/4 finished baby sling before Houston starts walking! As soon as I figure out how to manipulate this blog, I'll post some pictures of my babies!