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Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Tangled Up In Giving Thanks

Thanksgiving is fast approaching and I am so excited for some reason!!
Usually we have Thanksgiving at my grandparents, but it is still up in the air this year. I have this sense of "giving thanks" that doesn't seem to let me be bothered that we could potentially not carry on the tradition as every other year.
Because of the baby, I think I am preparing myself for starting new traditions and loving every minute of it. (I'm telling myself that anyway....don't know if I'm fully convinced). I could be upset really easily if I let the negativity in my head about my family. Holidays are not the same as they were growing up. My mom has been gone 3 years now, and nothing has been the same since. I am truly thankful to God for opening doors when others are closed! It has been the worst 3 years and the best 3 years of my life, all rolled into one.
I've been very sad to lose my mom, because I in-turn lost my dad. He is still here, just not a part of my life. I have a lot of guilt for that, but also think it is the healthiest route for my family at this time. I am the oldest of 3. I have 2 younger brothers that I love so much, I can't stand it! One has broken my heart 1,000 times but never to the point of dis-repair. He has yet again moved away and left me. My youngest brother has always been just that. My bratty little brother. Who, by the way, has ALMOST grown up into the person I always prayed he could be. He and I are becoming closer and closer. I guess by process of elimination we've started talking more and respecting eachother more. I miss my "family" so very much. I miss going to my mom's and drinking coffee with her. I miss her teaching me about life, recipes, and always thinking positive. I miss us gossiping about my brothers and their lives. I miss exchanging gifts with them. This year, my father and brother (who still speak), are going to my aunt's in St. Louis. I know it's pointless to even ask my middle brother if he is coming home for Thanksgiving. He's a free-spirit. Which in our world is code for "I don't have the money to come home and see people that are going to back me in a corner with questions of how I'm doing in Virginia".....
I do, however, have some amazing aunts, grandparents, and uncles that I will hopefully be spending time with that day. I'm sad because I have to work that day and I don't think I have ever worked a Thanksgiving before.... Really, not a big deal if I do all my cooking before-hand.
But like I said, God really opens doors where others close. I have Sean. Well, technically I have Sean. He will be hunting Thanksgiving morning. But atleast then, he won't mess up the tradition I have made with my babies of waking up to the wonderful aroma of turkey cooking, and homeade bread rising, while I pop the breakfast casserole in the oven and run to wake them up just in time for the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. I love that time of morning. We're still in pj's, the fire is going, and everything seems right with the world. It's a perfect day because it brings the same lovey dovey warmth of Christmas without the tremendous amounts of stress over gifts. For once, we are the gifts. Gifts to eachother. So, whatever this holiday season brings, I know that as long as I look for the good, I will always find it.

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