Take a minute to check out what "tangledeutopia" means!

Monday, November 26, 2007

TANGLED IN PSYCHO MODE


Two days ago, I had this magnificent idea for my latest blog. That was 2 whole days ago.... Yesterday was Sunday. It started out with me getting mad at Sean because I thought he was being hard on Liam upstairs. I yelled up there for Liam to come downstairs because in my head I wanted to save him from the fire breathing dragon upstairs making him cry. Then I yelled at Sean again for not getting the boys anything for breakfast when he had clearly done the right thing by sitting down in his chair and not saying one word to me. He was smart. He knew if he were to try to defend himself, I would have become the ultimate fire breathing dragon. So, to reward him for not arguing with me, I yelled at him some more.
By the time we pulled into the church parking lot, I was already feeling better. I made it through Sunday School with ease only to walk into the sanctuary and have this be the morning that Bob, our music director, decides to play mostly old hymns. Those old hymns really get me even when I'm not an emotional wreck of a pregnant woman. Everytime I hear one of those songs, it takes me back to the church I grew up in, and I can hear my mom singing them. But these were especially hard. I cried through the whole service. Every song, every word the pastor spoke. I'm a blubbering idiot and I am so sick of it!!!!!!
I'm sitting in the pew crying over these songs, all the while, trying to find another, more valid reason of why I was making myself look like a fool...
So what do I start thinking about? I start thinking of how dirty my house is, what needs to be done in the house before this baby gets here, how I wish someone would come over and clean my house. (Atleast then I could start from the top and work my way down, instead of starting from the bottom and having to work my way up to a clean house) Then I really start thinking of how cruel I have been to this wonderful wonderful man that I call my husband. He scrubbed my stove the other day!!!! How could I yell at him after that???
So that was yesterday. This morning I dropped the kids off at school and immediately started crying when they got out of the car. My mind just cannot stop wandering. Talia said she didn't want me to take her to school. I told her if she was embarrassed to have me drop her off, I would drop her off at the top of the street and she could walk down. WHAT????? This is the first time she has ever said that to me! She's not even out of elementary school yet. She jokes about how old I am. Yet none of this really bothers me. I cried because as I watched them walk away, all I could wonder was if I was doing enough for them. Am I giving them not only what they deserve, but what they need? Am I meeting their emotional needs? Am I forming these little creatures into little self-esteem pro's? Do they not only know how much I love them, but do they feel it? Alot of this has to do with bringing another baby into this world. I am so terrified they will feel left out or whatever else my crazy mind can conjure up at the moment. I've become terrified that we'll say good-bye in the morning and I'll get into a car accident on the way to work, and they will never have fully grasped that when I think about them, I can't wrap my brain around the appropriate words to tell them how much I love them. They don't make these words! There is nothing of this world that is tangible, that could explain to these babies how much I love them.
Wow, when is this going to stop??? I have to admit, I have had some really valid cries over the past week or two, but for the majority, I've started crying and honestly can't think of one reason. That's when a flood of 10,000 reasons come in your head.... I heard that this week, (week 10) my babies genitalia are forming.
I am positively convinced this is a girl. My emotions have been enough for 2 women lately!!!!!!

No comments: